I woke from another restless night of sleep, no it wasn't that my sleep was interrupted or short, it was simply not at all satisfying or revitalizing.
As I wake from this restless, un-revitalizing slumber, I notice the presence of an unwelcoming friend -and I say "friend" with every possible ounce of sarcasm one can muster up; sitting, waiting patiently at the foot of my bed. The question that rings loudest in my head is...who let this guy in.
He greets me with a non-greeting, but with ridicule, insults, and reminders of failure, loading me down with regret. And it is at that moment that I realized that my restless, unsatisfying, un-revitalizing sleep just turned into a nightmare on "D" street.
I know, I know it's a nightmare on “Elm” street, but this was no horror movie, it was a waking reality. And as soon as I woke, it began, without a warning, out of the blue. With the deepest feelings of disdain, all I could utter in the still un-lit room was… “Oh no, not you”.
"What- what you say, baby, " ask my still-sleeping spouse. I answered quickly with a whisper; "Nothing...shush, go back to sleep, I'm just talking to myself." My unwelcome friend dares not leave but covers his mouth, chuckles, then flashes a grin.
I take a quick glance at the time on my phone and it's just about time to get up…" Father, thank you for this new day" I say quickly under breath. And although it's a good time to get up and get moving, I try my best to ignore this un-welcomed guest. So, I close my eyes and pray myself to sleep. Only to be jolted awake again as this relentless guest whispered in my ears; "that’s right, go to sleep, you weak, sorry, and pathetic excuse of a person."
I retort back quietly in mind, that I am successful and full potential. I quickly search my mind for every affirmation and word of encouragement I've ever heard spoken or read and put them on a loop as it plays over and over in my head until sleep once again embraces me. See, this is more than a poem, this is a testimony.
As soon as sleep's embrace becomes warm and welcoming my personal quiet time of meditation and preparation is over because I hear in the distance of the night -well now morning the "get up" alarm, alerting me that it's really time to get up and get moving. I look at the foot of my bed and he's not there. I quickly rise to my feet drowsy with a mask of readiness. To make matters worse, this guest who crept in under the cover of night was still there I can feel him like mental heaviness.
No matter how hard I try to regulate my tone of voice and actions, it is clearly evident that I am not myself. With greater fever, I pile on the self-deception that I am just fine. Every action, forced and hollow, going through the motions completely emotionless. I know it's cliché but it's like a dark cloud has formed over me with a forecast of mental Thunderstorms and torrential downpours of misery.
So with a paper mache smile, and a performance Oscar award Worthy, I convinced those around, "This boy is all good"; meanwhile the thunderstorms rage in my mind, and misery floods in from every angle. "Now, wait a minute!!!,'' I yell now that the house is empty. What's going on ...where did this come from...why do I feel this way? With tear-filled eyes, I search my mind, and I can find absolutely no reason for this wave of distorted reality and internal chaos. It is at this moment that fear rushes over me like a tsunami.
With much to do and the whole day ahead, I turn the page on this ridiculous story to silence the unwelcome bombardment on my mind. I turn to my work, my list of tasks, and responsibilities. I try to focus, "productivity is the key", I remind myself. It is at that moment that my friend who has up until this point been hiding in the shadows decides to speak.
He fills my ears with anti-praise, takes me into the interrogation room of my mind, and pulls my file. "Where did he get a movie reel,"!!! I thought to myself. With no hesitation, he pushes play, in high-definition and surround sound -"Wait did this thing just go VR, virtual reality" -nope it is reality. He broke through the firewall of my mind and hacked my memory. With the latest algorithm, he pulled every failure, mistake, poor judgment, misdeed, and ugly thing I've ever said, thought, or done and put it on full blast.
No matter how hard I tried, it seemed impossible to put it out of my mind. Mental fatigue starts to settle in, every task is harder. Legs like jelly, up against the ropes, punch drunk from the combination of mental and emotional jabs, uppercuts and body blows hitting me like rapid fire. Mental clarity is replaced with mental fog, work performance slows to a crawl. Like parasites and leeches, this unwelcomed guest has sapped the life out of me. Every movement feels weighted, and every task more difficult, mind malfunctioning, synaptic misfires. Time taunts me as it speeds up and teases me, nana-nana-nana you can’t catch me. My normal disposition has just shifted and my new default is frustration.
My normal activities of escape are now empty of enjoyment and pleasure, and silence -well, silence is louder than noise itself. So, I try to forge forward into my work and list of things to do with greater intensity running on fumes, sputtering along the way. The frustration grows, turning into a crushing feeling of sadness and weariness. Every attempt to trudge forward feels like I'm sinking in quicksand, all of this is the work of my unwelcomed guest who sat waiting at the foot of my bed; depression.
The only thing that can pull you from this emotional, mental, spiritual vortex of despair is a clear revelation of your purpose.
10/9/2019 1:34 am
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